The Truth Shall Break Your Heart
Oct. 10th, 2004 01:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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now_ish on 7-14-04
"You're right, ain't'cha? I do try to do too much, don't I? I try to help Angel... I try to protect you... Protect you from all kinda things, don't I? From bad thoughts to bad deeds...Protect you from findin' out that I banged Gwen six ways to Sunday after we went on her little mission..."
I stumbled from my darkened bedroom, giving all my strength to the wooden door frame as my face crumpled. I clung to it, my nails leaving tender marks.
Why did it have to feel true?
And I couldn't get air. Everything was coming in short stacatto breathes, and even then it didn't help. It was as if everything that was good in the air - everything my body needed - was gone.
Why couldn't it be a lie? Please, please let it be a lie. Not the truth that I felt inside me.
"By the way-- Gwen's room is just a few doors down, ain't it?"
There it was. What it wanted me to do. What I was supposed to do, if I was the person I had just claimed to be. Mindlessly I made my way to Gwen's door, the cool air from filtering out from the narrow crack at my feet, then running across my heated skin. And I couldn't open the door. I just stood there...feeling...
Feeling alone.
I didn't feel hatred, or want revenge. I didn't care about Gwen at all. There was nothing there. Just this big black pit of nothingness inside me that was threating to open up and swallow up whatever was left of me. I was so alone. There was just me, the truth, and the tears. Nothing else was there.
I was running now, crying. It was just a few doors, but I ran still. When I got there, maybe he would... Maybe he could...he had too... I burst into Charles room, throwing myself onto his sleeping form. Half of the bed was empty, where I should have been. My tears pooled into his shoulder, my words muffled against his chest.
"I asked you downstairs...to tell me anything....please tell me it's a lie. If you tell me it's a lie I will believe you. I promise. Just say it and mean it and..."
"I'll believe you."
now_ish on 7-14-04"You're right, ain't'cha? I do try to do too much, don't I? I try to help Angel... I try to protect you... Protect you from all kinda things, don't I? From bad thoughts to bad deeds...Protect you from findin' out that I banged Gwen six ways to Sunday after we went on her little mission..."
I stumbled from my darkened bedroom, giving all my strength to the wooden door frame as my face crumpled. I clung to it, my nails leaving tender marks.
Why did it have to feel true?
And I couldn't get air. Everything was coming in short stacatto breathes, and even then it didn't help. It was as if everything that was good in the air - everything my body needed - was gone.
Why couldn't it be a lie? Please, please let it be a lie. Not the truth that I felt inside me.
"By the way-- Gwen's room is just a few doors down, ain't it?"
There it was. What it wanted me to do. What I was supposed to do, if I was the person I had just claimed to be. Mindlessly I made my way to Gwen's door, the cool air from filtering out from the narrow crack at my feet, then running across my heated skin. And I couldn't open the door. I just stood there...feeling...
Feeling alone.
I didn't feel hatred, or want revenge. I didn't care about Gwen at all. There was nothing there. Just this big black pit of nothingness inside me that was threating to open up and swallow up whatever was left of me. I was so alone. There was just me, the truth, and the tears. Nothing else was there.
I was running now, crying. It was just a few doors, but I ran still. When I got there, maybe he would... Maybe he could...he had too... I burst into Charles room, throwing myself onto his sleeping form. Half of the bed was empty, where I should have been. My tears pooled into his shoulder, my words muffled against his chest.
"I asked you downstairs...to tell me anything....please tell me it's a lie. If you tell me it's a lie I will believe you. I promise. Just say it and mean it and..."
"I'll believe you."
