I'm Still Ashamed...

It's funny, that even when I started thinking about this, my mind saw the line that's been more and more clear lately. Me, and them. About who I am, and who I'll always be whenever they need. About what I might or might'nt need, but what they'll want for me all the same.

Most of my friends, I think they would see me being ashamed of what happened with Professor Seidel. When he died, when I as sure as killed him if I'd done it myself. Because I did do it, setting it all into happening with my choices, my wants.

My ... revenge.

My fighting back, and out of the very last corner I ever wanted to know. Built with rocks from that place, that cave. So hard at my back that I could still feel them when I slept, and that when I finally figured out why? That it hadn't been the book that'd betrayed me, but...my teacher. My friend? He was supposed to be, and made me finally know I'd made the right choice in leaving home. He ripped that away, and theirs too. First home left, and then them memory of it, and then the very word, until the letters stopped meaning anything at all. So I was left wanting those rocks to cut him just like he'd cut at me. At all the others, lost and not just forgetting home. But never coming back to it at all, even to find it changed.

No, I'm not ashamed at that at all, even if it's what they still think I should feel. Or want for me, or even just want to protect me from. I'm sad I guess. That if I could repeat it all the outcome wouldn't change, between me and him. Just the others touched by it...they never should've had to. Charles shouldn't have had too.

So that's regret there, at wanting to be stronger than I was. But then that's not what this is about, or all that new.


No, there's only one thing, one time, I could ever say that I'm truely ashamed of.

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In Return... for wesley_w_price

Fred didn't bother to reply, or to change, or to even turn of the various lights she'd left on in her apartment as she trailed through it, thinking. Pieces and parts where floating in her mind, all ever so slowly coming together. And somehow it felt like if she could just get to the other side of the city, they might just be that much closer.

But Fred wasn't to the point of hoping for that either. As the lights of the city flickered through her windsheild, she'd pretty much resolved that no matter what, the most important part was going to be just getting there. Or maybe, it had already happened. Maybe, just maybe, it had been being asked.

She was reaching...reaching all the way to a door. His door.

Fred knocked.