The Moment After

For now_ish on 9-12-2004



The giddiness I had felt at the sudden solution to our problem was quickly fading...and ok so it wasn't so much slow as several days of pacing cumilating into a women's roundtable of power. I was just thinking the stars I couldn't see anymore that we were more productive than my mother's old quilting circle.

Wesley amd Buffy seemed happy enough...and there was even some openly declarative shows of affection...a move I fully supported...

But,

And I really hated that word. Cordy and Buffy were fighting, and I wasn't sure what to do. I knew that Cordelia wasn't as happy I was about Wesley and Buffy...so it was confusing. I wanted to support both them...and her. And just when I was about to settle for a big hug, hoping it would make Cordelia feel better, the fight escalated even more...and she left with Groo. I know a talk when I see it, especially when they deal with old ghosts, so I let them be. Cordy would find me if she needed me.

When she needed me...

And then she was getting that hug.

The kitchen was nearly empty now, leaving me alone. Mugs decorated each and every corner, so with a sigh I began to collect them and place them in the sink.

Sometimes there are hugs...and sometimes there are dishes.

Just Keep Moving

For now_ish on 10-28-04


After once last glance to see if Charles would follow me, I began to head back towards Connor's room. I wanted to keep looking back, just to make sure that Charles was still there...though I really don't know why. He had agreed to help, and I could feel him right behind me, but it didn't seem like enough.

I suddenly had this strange need to keep Charles and Connor, Lorne and Cordelia all right in front of me. Where I could see them...so that they wouldn't get lost. It's when you loose sight of what you have that things fall apart. There wasn't much I could do about that right now, so I settled for pausing a moment or two in my stride so that Charles passed me. I wasn't able to look at him directly, so instead I kept looking from the first aid kit down to his feet and the back again...just trying to comfort in the seeing. All while trying not to notice how our steps still moved together.

That hadn't changed.

But when you are fighting aginst something together, it shouldn't....should it?

We finally reached Connor's room, and I moved ahead of Charles and pushed the door gently open. I held it for a moment so that he could follow me in. Giles still sat quietly beside Connor. And Connor...if possible he looked even worse that before. Some of the blood had begun to dry, and the tshirts and towels I had tried to use to stop the bleeding still were draped at various points across his form.

"I'm back," I whipered to Giles, just in case he hadn't heard me enter. "And Charles is here too," I added, more now for Connor. I hoped that he could hear me. We had been through so much together, and even though the family I thought we had built together had been nothing but lies and make believe...well I wanted a chance to try again. I had to be ready to try again. More than anything else I had to keep moving...

Carefully I began to pull the tshirts away from Connor, doing my best not to reopen any wound that might already had closed. I wished that more of them had...but blood still trickled down from more places than not.

Looking to Charles, and seeing that he understood, I took the first aid kit and opened it between us. Leaving the room and coming back...somehow it had helped.

"We are going to bind all his injuries as tightly as we can, and leave them that way until his vampire healing sets in."

It needed to set in. But oh how I hated thinking that Connor could heal that way at all...

I nodded at the half dozen bottles of blood that still sat next to the bed.

"And then we are going to get all that in him...and more if need be. It is what we had to do...before with Angel. Connor will need it all, and then he can rest. We'll do what has to be done...and that is that."

I sighed a little and breathed a little more.

"He will be alright."

((open to Connor, Giles, and Gunn))

Research

For now_ish on 11-16-2004


It was going pretty much like I thought it would. There was lots of staring at words, moving books between the shelves and the desk and then back again, and I never sat in the same place twice.

At first there was the desk...I propped myself on the corner of it, just like I had been Angel do countless times before. Angel, Wesley, Charles...any of them. Of course Cordelia and Lorne. I spent several solid moments trying to emulate the strength that I had loved to watch in all of them. I didn't mean to slight them in any way by using the past tense...their strength was still there. It just wasn't what I saw when I looked at them anymore.

The fact that 'them' had become one smaller didn't help me in anyway, though of course that was back to being selfish again. But what happened when that number grew smaller again, and then smaller still? Why wasn't it working?

So I tried the chair in front of the desk, then one behind it. At one point I just curled up on the floor next to the bookcase and rested my head against it. So many, many different places...and not one of them felt like they used to. There was just me...and the room. Logic told me that everwhere I tried it should always be the same. The same amount of matter, the same amount of empty space.

But some places just felt so much emptier than the others. Tiny corners of the room that held more memories than the walls and bits of floor for whatever reason. So full, and so empty all at once. Why couldn't things make sense anymore?

But I wasn't going to do this...I wasn't. I had ordered Connor to take that time. To heal himself...how could I ask anything less of myself? I moved to sit at the desk again.

And then I tried.

((open to Andrew))

Waking Up

For now_ish on 12-23

I woke up when I was ready. I know that I have thought that thought before, but it is so needed sometimes to sleep until your body is done with resting...until it is ready to face the next thing. I had intended to only close my eyes for a little while, but when they opened again I was quite sure it had been much longer that that.

And that was alright.

Suprisingly....alright. I didn't wake up to fretting and overthinking, crying over spilt milk. Only now it was spilt time of couse, if I was set on that thought making any kind of sense.

Sitting up and stretching, I realized I was still bundled tight in my robe...my state of dress in no way matching my determination to face the day.

Day...

Face it, find it, force it into the light. Whatever I needed to do I think I now had both the determination and most of the pieces to make it happen. Pulling on my last pair of jeans that weren't ruined...either by fact or feeling...from the past few months and a soft yellow top that just seemed to match me, I yanked my hair back and headed for the hallway.

Seeing Angel again had made me face up to a lot of things. Some good, and as it always was with us....some bad. But I couldn't shake the notion of what it meant just that he had been there in the first place. Angel had made a point to find us again, to share whatever time he had left. When was the last time I did the same for Cordy, Wesley, Lorne or even Charles? When was the last time I spent time with my friends...just to spend time with them? That we weren't called together because of a crisis, or we happened to be in the same room and there were then words that also happened...or there was another crisis after that?

My friends deserved better.

And they were going to get it.

If only because what was the point of finding the sun, if I couldn't see them when I did?

Unable to hide my smile, I made my way down the hallway until I got to Cordy's room. For some reason it just felt like the best place to start. Without any hestitation at all I knocked on her door.

"Cordy...are you in there? It's Fred."