(no subject)

For now_ish



"Before... Angelus... I had this dream. You would've really liked it, Fred. At the end, we were all back together. We were all friends again, family, just like I think we were all supposed to be. Heck, even killed the Beast in the dream, and that brought the sun back...Goodbye, Fred."

I had remained still while Angel untangled himself from me, letting him pull away without any complications or extended embraces that stretched a moment...beyond the moment it was born to be. I stood silently as he slipped from the room, because I had managed to get out most everything I wanted to say, and the rest was understood even still.

Once Angel was gone, I walked quietly to the door..pressing it slowly, yet firmly closed. I leaned forward, resting my head agaist the wood's steady coolness, finally reminding myself to breath. It was the only sigh, and the only sound really that hinted at everything that was pulsing through me...steady and strong. Something that I hadn't felt in a long, long while.

I turned slowly, my face and hair still trailing across the door as I did so...as if I didn't want to bread contact with the last think Angel had touched before walking out of the room. When my back was finally pressed up against the wood, I took a deep breathe, pushed foward, so I was standing on my own again....and smiled.

A real smile....a big smile...my smile.

"Goodbye Angel," I finally whispered back, my eyes moving to the soft glow of the light above my head as I did so. Somewhere, wherever he had gone to next...I hope he heard me. Because I had certainly both listened to...and heard him.

Angel had brought back the sun...or rather he had dreamt that he had. Just like he had dreamed...believed hard enough that he could bring himself back, to see us, if only for this one last time. That last time part, the part where I couldn't know if I would see Angel again, unless I closed my eyes and brought him to me myself? Even an hour ago it would have devestated me.

But now?

Now...all I could seem to hold onto was the idea that Angel had dreamed of being able to see us just once more... because I was sure his very determined will had been the most important creator of the timely gift we had just shared...he had dreamed it, and made it happen.

Angel had also dreamed of the sun, only now he wasn't here. Well...I would just have to make it happen for him. For them....

I was going to find a way to bring it back.


Just when the days start getting colder,
I walk the streets I never knew
There's some words I never told you,
The sound rings out like the truth

I wasn't a stranger to life without Angel...while I didn't like to think on it to long, I wasn't a stanger to life without anyone at all. But the without Angel time before had been passed wrapped up in the arms of Charles, and even though parts of it had seemed impossibley hard, he had still sheltered me. This time it was different, a different kind of without...a different kind of alone. The kind where you know what you are missing. But Angel was right, they were my family, and whatever I had to do to bring them back close...to find them again...I would.

As you are still alive, wounds have to heal...that is the way things are.

"Thank you," I added one last message to Angel, sharing it with the empty room. Somehow though, I think he heard me.

And if you could see what's come over me
Then you would know
Cause I'm walking free
The wind at my back
Bathed in afterglow.

I hope that he did hear me. Standing and smiling...that is that I could think of for a few minutes, as if that would make my little word of 'thanks' louder. More hearble. Angel had given me more than just strength and standing ability just now...he had helped me rediscover my spirit. And now I was warm, tingling as all of it ran through me mixed with the awareness of what I had been missing.

Glowing...

And as I sit here in this dark room
All I seem to feel is light
And I see color
I see the the Maroon
Of the blood in this life that's ours.

Finally able to move, I made my way to my bathroom and began stripping away the layers of clothing I wore that were still caked with Connor's blood. How long ago that had been...and in more than just time? I had forgotten that there were more things than minutes and hours to get through.

I stepped into the shower, the warm water raining down and slipping over me softly as it washed away blood...and other things as well. I should have been shocked to see how much color began to pool at my feet, staining the slick shower floor. But I didn't see the red...

There were pinks...and soft roses...darker streaks where the night leaves us..and countless other gentle hues that swirled through water-like rain against the delicate tiles.

It looked like the dawn.


I was going to bring the sun back.


And if you could see what's come over me
Then you would know
Cause I'm walking free
The wind at my back
Bathed in afterglow.

Finally, when there was nothing but white left I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself up in my robe...still smiling. I couldn't seem to stop.

Hold me now and see the sun fill the sky
Let me down and see the day has gone by.

I was going to bring the sun back....and more importantly bring back the day. Nothing stopped anymore, it had become this one never-ending night for everyone to get lost in, not just me. Loosing Angel would never stop being hard, but it was an ending. We need those...beginings and endings...chapters. When everything runs together, how to we know that it is ok to stop for a moment? To celebrate...or to cry....or simply to rest.

And if you could see what's come over me
Then you would know
Cause I'm walking free
The wind at my back
Bathed in afterglow.

Still in my robe I made my way to the bed, laying down and resting my head on the pillow. I wouldn't rest for long, because I didn't so much need the 'stopping' part of the cycle I wanted to restore with the sun right now. I just needed a little sleep, the peaceful preparing kind...for a beginning.

I would bring back the sun...and soon.

My smile was still...and for now.