For now_ish

"That's never gone well anywhere. The questions rule is a good thing, now we just have to remember not to ask 'em."

"That could get hard," I considered to myself, mentally tucking away that bit of knowledge. "Don't be angry at me if I forget, ok?" Aware of what I had already done I chewed on the corner of my mouth for a moment and looked at Cordy, not bothering to hide my embarrasment."And...just like that. Can I absolve you of answering?"

"I forgot. I was hurt over losing Angel, and for a while there... that was all that I could think about. But you're right, Fred, we have good things. Good people. We just have to remember to count our blessings."

I didn't say anything cause I didn't have to. I simply reached out, just over the arm of my chair and past two dusty texts to take Cordy's hand in my own and sqeeze it tight.

Buffy asked why I had left the hotel before?

This was why I had left the hotel before. Cordy and Wes? Lorne and Charles and even still Angel? They were my why and my always and my ever after. And I hope I never did anything that let them forget it.


At least...again.

"We've been broken, pushed apart so many times, both by outside influences and our own doing. You're right-- both right-- that what we want really is still here."

And there goes Wesley again, taking what I was thinking and putting it together so that it made so much more sense...at least out loud. Maybe one day I could learn to do that too, but for now I was content to sit back listen. Freeing my hand from Cordy's, I flashed Wesley a tentative smile.

"And I'm sorry for what I've done to make us forget."

Just like that my time to listen was over, running right on into the part where I had to talk. Taking a deep breath I stood, slipped through the room, and pulled another chair from the corner over until it was satisfyingly close to Wesley. I didn't want anything between us for this. Not the books, not the desk...not even Cordy. I steadied my eyes within his own.

"I apologized for some things before too, not so long ago," I started off slowly, choosing my words with care. The whole lot of them. "And I am not really sure that I should have..because I don't know if I meant them. Not the way those things are supposed to be meant. It's not even that I didn't want to, more that..."

I leaned forward a little, taking comfort in the way my hair struggled to shadow my face, before remembering that was just the type of thing I didn't want happening. I brushed away at the offending strands with a determined hand.

"It's that I think I was apologizing for the wrong thing. Saying things before I sorted out exactly what needed to be said. Because I just so desperately wanted to make things better. So here it is, " I took a quick breath. "I mean, if I can say it to Lorne I can say it to ya'll too, right?"

"I think we were all wrong...all of us. All," I kept repeating the word, not so much because I thought it would absolve me of my guilt by making it a shared state, but more because of the idea that even when we had been trouble we had still been together...in some sense. "And we got so busy in ourselves, so focused on licking these percieved and truely personal wounds that we stopped looking at each other. And like I said...forgetting. What were were best at, what we owed each other."

Debts didn't have to be an ugly thing. Not when it came to friends...not these friends.

I sent another small glance Cordy's way before continuing. "Maybe that is because we all wanted to be rescued, to be saved...and believe me I get that. I spent five years getting that. Everyone was so alone, sitting on their side of the world and waiting for someone to cross their way....to take all the steps. But all it really would have taken is one you see."

I clasped both of my hands together, finger over finger until they blended as one.

"One step each, and we would have all met in the middle. Somewhere...outside. And no one would've had to walk alone." My hands unwrapped themselves. "We were all there. And it makes 'sorry' seem like a different thing. It...neautralizes."

I nodded to myself before looking up at both of my friends again. "So here is what I can apologize for, what I so wrongly glossed over before. "I am sorry for that day," my breath caught as I studied Wesley, looking to see if he understood. But I could say it. I should have to say it. "In the hospital. That was my hurt...my alone, and I never should tried to put that on you. I've known how wrong that was from the minute I did it, and what's worse? Is how long I waited to do something about it."

Suddenly the chair felt very, very small...even for me, and I shifted in it nervously. "But I promise...I swear I will never do it again."

The words rolled right on into the tiniest of smiles, and I caught it, determined to hold it there. I searched for something softer...lighter.

"Cross my heart."